Lost and loved

Have you ever felt lost? Not lost like when you cannot find a particular destination. But lost like you went to sleep in your own bed in your own home and then you wake up and it’s a whole different place.

Nothing makes sense anymore. You walk among these people you do not know, on a street that is completely alien to you and all the while you feel like your feet are hovering two inches above the ground.

It’s all unreal.

You feel so detached from everything but you want to reach out to someone and ask for help. For a bit of guidance. To maybe show you the way back to where you were before you opened your eyes. But nobody can see or hear you.

So you go on, hovering over the streets, too dazed to think clearly. Every sound, every movement, every smell attacks your senses and whirls inside you until it all becomes one constant hum. A hum that means nothing to you. A hum that resides inside your being and one that you cannot get rid of no matter what you do.

When the night comes and the hum is replaced by the even louder hum of the silent night, you wonder how you can get back to where you were before.

You spend the night in total darkness. In total solitude. A solitude that fails to bring clarity. A solitude that only makes you realize you are alone, truly alone. Your telephone rings, your email buzzes, you meet people, people talk to you but you are and always will be alone.

They can never understand what you feel or think or see or do. Or fear, or hopes. They can never truly understand you. Nor you them.

So you go on. As best you can. Trying your best to stay alive, without ever truly living. You go to sleep every night hoping that the next morning when you wake up, you will find yourself transported back to a familiar place. The place you were in before something, someone plucked you out of it without any warning.

Maybe in this mundane act of living, without any intent, you will touch other people’s lives, and theirs would touch you. And in those brief moments of interaction with others, you may have known, or felt, what it was like to be truly alive.

I lost someone precious today. My only hope is that I touched that life in ways that left indelible marks in their heart and soul so that if we never find each other again in this world, in this life or even the next, they will have known how much I love them.